I had a weird dream last nite. I was staying in Billings, finishing up one audit and preparing to begin another, and I was applying for the job with the city there that I have applied for here. I was staying in someone's home, rather than a motel. I don't remember them or anything about the house, except the bedroom and this four or five foot in diameter sphere with a glass bottom and just a little water in it, that hungover the bed. (?) (I have been a little anxious about that job application with the city here, so that may explain that part.)-(When I lived in Billings in '80 I rented an apartment in some people’s house, and I was there on an audit, so that may be those parts. (I was still married then.))-(Maybe the almost empty sphere over the bed refers to my sexuality now?)
(3pm) Nice workout.
I started another addition to "Outlaws and Poets" from Erica's letters today.
I think I will try to watch a little football this season. (I am still not particularly interested; but it would give me something to talk about with men, and make me seem less abnormal.)
(7pm) Enough typing for now.
I am still unsure if there is a separate phobia to social play; but I suppose it isn’t really important. (Whatever it is, I have to adapt to it and extinguish the fear.)
Note from the ozone: I wonder how much the law of physics that states that force is equal to the product of mass times acceleration applies to the social arena? (e.g., the reason that guerilla warfare is an effective force is that, despite small numbers and less powerful weapons (mass), they have the ability to move faster than conventional forces (acceleration).)
(10pm) Enough typing for now.
Working on "Outlaws and Poets" straight is interesting. (I can work more hours and I typed five more pages today than I normally do; but it isn’t as much fun.)
I am psyched up for getting into Carrie's letters. (It will take a lot of hours, but it will be a relief when it's done.) (Right now I feel finishing up all the work on "Outlaws and Poets" is a higher priority than working on my phobias.)
I still am torn about going out. (I think "Fighting fear" is right that the only way to beat the phobia is to experience the anxiety and adapt to it; but I also worry about my behavior bothering other people, and spoiling their fun. (I want to get better, but I don't want to harm others in the process.))
I am also still torn about the concept of modeling. (Many men, who are successful at seduction, do things that don't seem right to me, and I don't know whether I could copy them. (But, is their behavior wrong, if it works and women respond to it?) (Do I just feel it's wrong, because my phobia makes me afraid to do those things myself? (Rationalizing?)) (I don't even know whom I would choose to study and copy.) (e.g., if I went around grabbing every woman like some men, I would get more physical intimacy than now, even if they all just slapped me and wouldn't talk to me; but I couldn't manage to do it now. (I tell myself it's because I love the emotional intimacy my ways bring me, but that may just be an excuse for avoiding the anxiety that physical intimacy brings to my life.)) (So confusing and frustrating!) (There must be some behaviors I could choose, which would bring me both physical and emotional intimacy; but I am still lost.)