(8pm) I tried out my idea of telling people that I have had sex on the average of once a day for the last seventeen years, when I talked with Miranda Saturday. (She was shocked.) (I think it's better to state the full history, rather than simply telling people about the last five years.) (If I knew how to be single and was capable of doing it, I think lying about the celibacy and inventing a love life would be a good idea. (The long term celibacy turns women off; but I don't know how I am supposed to behave and couldn't do it if I did, and I need to explain my behavior.))
(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
Another of my favorite ways of providing myself with touching is fiddling with my hair. (That is one reason I prefer it longer.)
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(9am) I wonder if I will ever learn how to socialize and to pull off seductions, and become desensitized enough to do it? (Not being able to deal with social and sexual situations makes me feel really guilty and inadequate as a man!)
I still feel guilty about having been a drag for Samantha and Carrie too. (That was a good time for me and helped to desensitize me to spending time with women; but I seldom got to where I was totally comfortable.) (And, it didn't carry over to other women too well. (I still have to know someone awhile and know they are turned off by me sexually, before I begin to relax a little around them.)) (Another problem with it was I progressed to the plateau where I could be fairly comfortable with them, most of the time, and then got stuck. (If I could have used that base for support and started trying more daring interactions, it would have been a good therapy tool.)-(Maybe part of the problem was that most of the time was spent with Samantha, and she wasn't too interested in me actually finding a girlfriend and didn't push me?)) (I suppose a male drinking buddy would fit into that therapy model better than women would. (A guy is more likely to push me to hustle women and could serve as a model to study in learning techniques for seduction. (Women don't seem to be aware of what behaviors men use for that. (They respond to it, but whenever I have asked my women friends they haven't had an answer.)))) (Then again I have to get to where I am more comfortable with women, before I can move up to the more fearful situation of seductions. (And, my women drinking buddies have been my only way to get time with women the past five years.)) (More puzzles.) (I guess I did spend a lot of time with Josh in the Paw days, but he wasn't a very good model. (He never had to do anything but sit there. (Between his looks and his reputation as a good lover, women were falling over each other trying to get him into bed.)))
I wonder what effect editing all the "Outlaws and Poets" poems is going to have on me? (Editing "Feelings" sure had an impact.)-(The poems I have started now are still retellings of those stories.)
Sun tanning this summer has dried out my skin, which has helped me to discover another substitute for physical intimacy. (I have really gotten into the sensuality of putting oil on my body. (Neat feeling.))