Miranda commented that I must enjoy being alone, or I wouldn't do it. (I do enjoy it and I have become content with it; but, at the same time, I know I am hiding from much of life, and the growth I need to be working on.) (I have to find some way to overcome the anxiety that is blocking me from being social and sexual.)-(I could easily end up in a life of solitude, if I merely do what I am content and happy with; and I would miss out on the potential of greater contentment and happiness that can come with a fuller life!)
She also commented at the fair, that women were checking out my legs. (I was wearing shorts.) (Part of me likes being attractive and I get a little rush from women looking; but it also frightens me. (Maybe part of that conflict is a hangover from my marriage? (My ex got real bent if I did anything (even wearing cologne) to make myself attractive, and was happiest when I was obscenely fat.)))
(3pm) Carrie and Hunter have been partying together all weekend, and they called me a bit ago. (It was neat talking with them!) (Brightened up my whole day!) (I am glad they were finally able to connect again.)
She says she has my letters to her ready to ship to me, so I can start on that project soon. (Great.)
Carrie asked how I am eating. (I haven't been able to eat regularly the last month or so, and I am down about eight pounds.) (I will eat better again, when the money situation improves; but it won't hurt me to lose a little more of this gut. (At least what I can. (From my studies, when a person gets fat, it's a process of the fat cells both expanding and multiplying. But when you lose weight, without surgery, all you can do is shrink the size of the cells. (You are stuck with the increased number of cells.)))) (I have even got stretch marks on my inner thighs and my stomach from my fat time.)
(5pm) Nice walk.
(6pm) I am back to no pot again. (Oh well.) (Maybe I will remember some more dreams.)
(7pm) I caught up with all my pen pals. (Neat.)
Maybe that one book is right about telling everyone about my phobia towards sex? (Be congruent.)-(Without that piece of information, my anxiety, shakes, and other negative behavior isn't understandable; and leaves them to fill in whatever explanation their imaginations lead them to.) (It can't work out any worse than what I have done in the past.) (It isn’t good to be saying I am not interested in sex, because that isn’t congruent either. (I do want lovers in my life; but I am real leery and anxious, and my behavior isn't congruent with being someone who is desirable.)) (It would be nice if I could just wish away the fear; but it's deeply rooted and long standing, and isn't going to just go away. (I know I have exaggerated the dangers of sexuality in trying to rationalize my fears, and I am not reacting in a realistic way; but knowing that consciously doesn't make the anxiety disappear and let me be different.)) (Telling people sexuality makes me uncomfortable is going to turn off lots of women; but it's honest and explains my behavior, and it would let any women who might be interested know they will have to make the first moves. (Maybe someday I will overcome the irrational fear, and be capable of first moves; but I am not capable of it now.)) (So confusing and frustrating.)