(11pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)
9-2-87
(Midnite) Still no sleep.
(7am) I have to stop coming up with rationalizations and excuses for my anxiety. (It just provides labels for some nameless something, and is hiding again.) (Just accept that it's an unconscious reaction I have learned, and forget about trying to find labels for it.)
I hope some money comes today. (I am back to broke again.) (Maybe I should regret pissing away $40 Saturday, but I don't. (I needed to forget about poverty for a day and play.))
Well, my sex drive is in another of its up cycles. (How annoying.) (Tis bad enough when it needs attention twice a day, let alone three or four times.) (I can understand why some women get annoyed with the male sex drive.) (Oh well, it's just a biological drive and there isn’t much getting mad will accomplish.) (Maybe I should keep track of it, and see if there is a cyclical pattern to it?) (And, I suppose I should be glad for it. (Tis times like this, when I start wishing I had a girlfriend to play with. (If I had the skills necessary for seduction and no anxiety about physical intimacy, it's times like this that I would go out looking for someone for the nite.)))
When I feel bad about lacking the skills and courage for physical intimacy, I need to remind myself of the emotional intimacy I am skilled at and capable of! (There seem to be some men who have only one or the other of those, but not both. (e.g., Carrie has had lots of lovers; but few of those relationships had as much emotional intimacy as she and I have shared.)) (Be nice to be capable of both, but, if I had to choose one, I would stick with the emotional part.)
(11am) Still no money. (Rats.)
I ran into Charlotte at the post office. (She said her car died at Connie’s last nite, and was still there collecting tickets; so I went down and jumped it and took it to where she works for her. (It feels nice to help others.))
(3pm) Nice workout.
Erica called and visited. (Brightened up my day again.)
Charlotte's car reminds me a bit of the road hog I got rid of this year. (I like them for highway driving, when they are running right; but there are a lot of things that can go wrong with them, and they are expensive to drive.)
I don't think all of the increase in productivity I am experiencing now is because of being out of pot. (A lot of this addition is quotes and that is faster typing. (With quotes, it's straight typing; but with the rest I spend a lot of time rewriting as I go along. (e.g., in the letters I will comment on some event over a period of several days, but in "Outlaws and Poets" I often put it all together in one spot.)))
I have started getting rejections on those Seattle jobs I applied for. (They are all saying they got a ton of applications, just like the jobs I apply for here; so things may not be any better there than here, job wise.)