One problem with all the sex in my marriage is that it associated sex and pain more that 6,000 times. (I dated seldom and had few lovers prior to my marriage, so whatever it was that started the phobia, happened before puberty; but, the older I get, the worse it gets.) (Oh well, take it slow and try to find some good experiences in the future to offset the negative. (They are out there to be found; but I have to overcome the fear, and start looking and making myself open to loving.))
8-29-87
(7am) I wonder if shyness isn't simply a general social phobia? (It fits all the criteria for a phobia.) (I saw a "20/20" awhile back on shyness, and they were using the same basic treatment model for that as in "Fighting fear".) (In "The anxious self", Kleinkneckt says most social phobias begin in adolescence. (He says that is a time when everyone is more self conscious, but that social phobics either are genetically more sensitive and/or encounter some trauma which causes them to learn to panic in a normally non-frightening situation. Then, by withdrawing all the time from that situation, they never have a chance for their unconscious to unlearn that connection; and by the relief of anxiety found from flight, they learn to avoid those situations. (So every time they face the situation, they run; and they try never to get into the situation in the first place.))) (The other problem with a social phobia, from my experience anyway, is that they don't get to learn how to interact and do what is necessary to be social; which makes the job of dealing with the phobia more complex. (Not only do they have to cope with the anxiety; but the limitation of not knowing what to do, how to do it, …, and feeling inadequate, must be overcome as well.)-(I noticed a couple places where they talked about combining treatment with assertiveness training, to provide some social skills.)) (I know my social and sexual phobias tie back to adolescence. (I can remember I was terribly self-conscious about my mother's condition; and didn't want to build any friendships, so no one would come to my house and find out about it!))
I thought about going downtown last nite, but couldn't even find the courage to get ready to go. (I think one of my problems is that I tend to get stuck and content at one level and then don't push myself to try other things. (The biggest problem with that is, now I don't seem to be holding onto what I had accomplished, and I am sliding backwards.))
(8am) One big problem I see with extinguishing a sexual phobia is that the anxiety level makes it almost impossible to be someone a woman is going to respond to sexually. (It seems to bring out the maternal aspect, and it's the child aspect that must be accessed for physical intimacy.) (It would probably help to go to Wallace until the anxiety I feel in that is totally extinguished; but that isn’t an option now.) (Maybe there is some clue in the affair with Sharon? (I wasn't too anxious then, but I never even saw it coming.)-(What would be the point in lovers, if they are all women I don't find particularly desirable or enjoy being with? (Maybe simply to use as stepping stones, in overcoming the anxiety, so I can move on to women I do find desirable and enjoyable to be with; but that seems cruel to me still. (Bad attitude?)))) (So confusing.)
I no longer feel so bad about using Carrie and Samantha as crutches when it came to going out socially. (It desensitized me to women as friends, and gave me new happier experiences to associate with women; and that is one of the things I need to do to overcome my fears.) (Actually, using the model presented in "Fighting fear", it could have been turned into a really fine tool for learning to cope with my anxieties. (The problem with it was that I got up to a certain level and didn't force myself past it.))
(11am) I watched some comedy shows this morning and laughed. (I need to start bringing more laughter into my life.)-(It sure felt nice.)