6-12-89

(7am) With one or two other people that I know, I do ok; but with groups I have anxiety attacks and all sorts of chemicals are released into my system, causing me to freeze up. (That has happened as long as I can remember, and is why I have spent so much of my life alone and never learned to play with other people.) (The therapy is to place myself in the phobic situations over and over, learn to cope with all those chemicals being released into my system and still function, and hopefully, eventually, get to where their release isn’t triggered by being with people.)-(I am just one of those people whose body produces way too much of the chemicals that cause anxiety attacks.)-(The problem with the therapy is I would get in the way of everyone else’s fun until I overcome.) (Then, after I accomplish that I have to learn social and play skills.) (Tis a long slow process that won’t begin until I start going out several times a week.)

One thing I have in common with a lot of my long terms friends is the inability to deal with a relationship. (We are all either afraid of or angry at the opposite sex, resulting from life experiences.) (I hope we all overcome, because commitment, emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are the most important things we can learn about here; and they hold the potential to make life a lot nicer!)

Erica, Miranda and Charlotte seem to treat men similarly. (The interesting thing is that they each can see the problems in their sisters, but not in themselves.) (They have all experienced traumatic moments with men when they were younger, and it’s still getting in the way.) (I can relate! (My experience with my mother, her mother and my ex, left a lot of scars that never seem to heal.))

Erica has been annoyed with Linda because of how she is treating Paul. (Interesting, since Linda is treating him the same way Erica treated Henry.) (It isn’t fair to him to treat him that way, but she is just, finally, doing what he has been punishing her for since they started dating.)-(They need to either get into counseling and work through their problems, or split the sheets.)-(Hopefully they will choose the first option. (If they choose the second option, he will come out of the relationship with a lot more pain and anger, which would get in the way of someone new getting close to him and it might be a long time until he finds love.))

(5pm) Busy day!

(6pm) Tis really strange and annoying when I lose the ability to think, talk, and act in social settings! (Keep working on it in the break room at work and at the Club.) (I have a long way to go!)

(8pm) Erica stopped in for a bowl and a brew. (Neat!)

(11pm) Tiredness!

6-13-89

(7am) I have got to get over being envious of Artie. (Women spend far more time with him than me, and he is my superior in every way.) (If Erica was really bothered by his behavior, she would deal with it. (Although she complains about it, she obviously enjoys it on some level.))

(6pm) Busy day!

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