(9pm) Time for sleep!
11-1-88
(5am) A new month to explore!
I suppose it’s my phobias but I still can’t get into going out broke, and I don’t think I would have much luck finding a girlfriend when the only date I can afford is sitting at home watching tv. (Someday that will change, but it’s years away.)
Erica still bugs me about using work to meet people. (Tis the one place I am around others and there are several single women working there.) (I know that a lot of the others who work there hang out together after work, but I am just not willing and able to trust and risk losing everything again.) (Given my drug habits, the grow room and the current definitions of sexual harassment, it's just not an option.) (I did party with a couple people at the County but it was because Carrie knew them and told me I could trust them.) (There was a time when I took risks and trusted too easily. (I got burned badly and now I am incapable of risk or trust.))
The first couple years of divorce broke my spirit in a lot of ways and I still haven’t recovered. (I don’t believe in myself and I have lost the fire!)
(6am) I cut back on vitamins after quitting cigs. (Maybe that is part of why I have been revisited by cold sores?) (I will have to bump that back up and see if things get better.)
(7am) I would guess that part of my problem with women is that I have lost confidence in myself and the fire within has been extinguished. (Without it I rarely try and wouldn’t have much luck if I did.) (Maybe someday I will heal and recover the confidence and fire; and be able to feel I deserve love, that I am good enough for someone and go out and do what I need to do to find a girlfriend. (Maybe not.))
Enough of my sadness!
I am still torn about typing up the first draft of "Outlaws and Poets". (It could hurt friends unless I fictionalize it some more.)-(If I am not going to publish it, the only purpose of typing them up is the therapy I get from rereading and editing them all) (Oh well, I will worry about that after I finish editing poems.)
(5pm) Busy day!
(6pm) Erica stopped by for a couple games of Yahtzee. (Neat!)
It sounds like she has been having fun! (Good for her!)
I have sure burned a lot of bridges over the years! (I have got to stop doing that!)
I think I will have to get a humidifier for the grow room.
It will be nice having a four-day weekend this week! (And, a three-day weekend the week after.) (And, to make it better, another four day weekend for Thanksgiving!) (Neat!)