Erica says her apartment is coming together and she has started sleeping better. (Good for her!)

I am trying to not talk much about sex, except in my writing. (I have little contact with people and the conversation rarely goes in that direction when I am around people.)

Rationally I know there is no reason I shouldn’t be able to go out alone and socialize, but there is nothing rational about phobias and anxiety attacks. (Mostly I am just avoiding the pain of the anxiety attacks. (Keep working on it in the settings I can cope with and maybe, eventually, I will break down the phobic reaction enough to go out alone again.)) (Going home alone wouldn’t be bad, if I had been having some kind of social interaction; but all that happened was I went and sat alone and got thrown around by the emotional storms the anxiety attacks whip up. (There were times people tried to talk to me, but I couldn’t even talk.))

(11pm) Tiredness!


(6am) I have been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast for years, but I am getting sick of that. (Maybe I will try cereal.)

Although I have no big desire to get heavily into the bar scene, I know I will have to for a few years, to meet people and build new friendships, so there are lots of people in my life to do other things with. (It wouldn’t do any good now though. (I tried for a few months this year, and didn’t meet anybody. (I couldn’t even talk to the people who tried to talk to me.)))-(First I have got to work on my phobias more and get past cigs.)-(I will try again for a few months next year and see if I am good enough.)

I am not so much concerned about Beth turning me in to the cops, as I am of the fact that she is still close to her ex and he is still jealous of other men in her life. (She sees him everyday at work and he drops by her place a lot. (She left him and he didn’t want a divorce.)) (He is on the drug team and I don’t want to piss him off by dating her.) (To be safe she can never come to my home.) (The same thing is true to a greater or lesser degree of all the women at work.) (I probably wouldn’t go to jail, but I would lose my job and I don’t want to go through all that again!)

When I do go back to the bars, I will pass on one-nite stands. (My goal will be to meet people and build friendships and using a lot of women would get in the way of building friendships.) (Hopefully though, after I have built a lot of friendships, some of them will be lovers too. (Long term celibacy is bad for mental and physical health, and I need to end it eventually.)) (Oh well, for now I am not a good enough person to even meet people, let along build friendships and find lovers, so I am not going to worry about the bars yet.)

(5pm) Busy day!

Offering to fuck someone doesn’t work for me, except with women who have already been to my bed. (Women always say they thought I would be a lousy lay. (Once they have been there once, they usually want to come back. (The trick is getting them there the first time.)))

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