The shrink has been cautioning me to not try to be someone I am not. (e.g., I will probably always spend time alone for studying and writing.) (e.g., aspiring to be a first class Casanova is probably unrealistic, for me. (I am not likely to have a lot of lovers, and I need to build relationships when I am ready for a sex life.)) (I do need to make changes though, so I am not blocking relationships from happening. (e.g., starting with friends fits who I am, but I have to break through the anxiety I have over going to bed with a friend.)-(e.g., starting to build friendships with women who aren't turned off by me, so there is a possibility for those relationships to become more.))
(10pm) I went out to Erica's to help her with some problems she has been having with her computer, and printed off the section of "Outlaws and Poets" that was taken from my journal for her. (Charlotte stopped by there. (She brought her music list, so I can start on that project.) (Fun evening!) (They are pleasant company!)
Well, I ate four x-tops and now it's time to go out.
11-7-87
(2am) Duelin Daltons was interesting. (I had several anxiety attacks, but endured them and was able to stay. (Neat.)) (I still have a long ways to go though before I will be able to start a conversation in a setting like that. (Oh well, focus on the positive. (For me, it's a major victory to have simply gone out instead of staying home again.))) (There were a bunch of unattached women there, who were close to my age.) (I would need to learn how to jitterbug though, to chase there. (Still, I did get asked to dance six times, and I did some dancing tonite.)) (It triggered some memories from when I hung out in that country music bar in Billings in '80. (Those were some fun nites.)) (I had one bout with depression; but I got past it quickly (for me anyway), and was mostly happy.) (I got hit by some loneliness too, but I know now that is mostly a craving to talk to someone, and that picking someone up for a nite wouldn't do much to help sooth it. (Coming home and writing to Erica does more for curing loneliness than a one nite stand would.)) (I still can't get into Country music, and would have rather gone downtown to listen to the music there.) (I noticed that I enjoy women watching more than girl watching, but it creates more anxiety.)
(7am) I will have to read my poetry from the past three years one of these days. (It sometimes really amazes me to read myself. (Since last summers experience with reading the poems of the "Feelings" series was helpful in my therapy, maybe working on the one’s in the "Outlaws and Poets" series will help also.)
(11am) Nice massage.
(Noon) Nice walk.
(1pm) I am into this taping project for Charlotte. (It isn’t nearly as long as the last one.) (Tis nice to do for others!)
(11pm) Quiet day of music. (Nice.) (I love listening to all the varied stories.)
11-8-87
(2pm) It has been a quiet day of music so far. (Nice.)