Besides having one friend here, I also already know several people already, and I think some of them could grow into friendships once my phobias are broken down enough so they don't get in the way of me being a good friend. (It would be easier to put down roots here than anywhere except Bozeman, and I like it much better here than there.)

I was noticing my truck today. (It has decals on the sides that say "SPORT". (Kind of amusing.))

(6am) Tis frustrating to not have someone to trade massages with. (It feels better somehow to receive a massage from another, and it feels better somehow to give a massage to another. (That is another skill I have which, if I could share it, could make another happy. (And, make myself feel better too.))) (Keep working on the phobias, and I will get there.)

I realize that playing doesn't automatically bring sex to one's life; but, by avoiding play, I also avoid the moments which could lead to sexual moments, I avoid meeting women, I avoid women getting to know me and becoming interested, and I create an image of myself that turns off the women who interest me.

From what I can remember now my life changed a lot when my mom checked out. (e.g., I was active in boy scouts and had a number of friends, all of which ended when she checked out.) (I would say that one of the main roots of my phobias is that feeling then that I couldn't have friends without them discovering about my mom, so I didn't have any.) (Looking at the roots and reasons for my phobias is interesting, but so far it hasn't done anything to reduce the anxiety enough so I can go out and play. (Tis a good first step, but there are many more to be taken. (e.g., in learning that my depressions occur to fuck up sexual chemistry and are a phobic response, I now know to ignore them, and they are getting shorter and less frequent.)))

(1pm) Nice massage. (Yum.)

Besides not being as nice and not being able to reach my back, self massage also makes many of the deep muscle massages impossible to do.

I am going to have to start eating cheaper foods. (I keep hitting the end of the month and being down to rice.)

I know every relationship brings some pain and I have to be able to deal with the normal levels of risk. (I just have to avoid relationships that are painful all the time.)

(3pm) Nice walk.

(5pm) My dad called and bs'd a bit. (His intuition told him the same thing mine told me about the stock market, and he made some money last week. (Good for him.))

(9pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)

10-26-87

(5am) I am starting to get back a little of my old passion for business. (Neat.) (It has been gone for years.) (One guy I had known when I had it, told me the fire had gone out of my eyes. (It isn’t back yet, but the pilot light is lit.))

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