(1pm) Nice walk.

All along I have had lots of excuses for not seeing my kids; but basically it's simply a gut feeling that it was the right choice for me. (There is something about how I interact with my ex that brings out her demons. (During the marriage, I was there to absorb the blows from her; but the kids would catch it all now.)) (I might give one of her emotional daggers a twist, which would only make matters worse.) (I have to beat my phobias, and gain better control of my emotions before I consider any contact with her.)

I suppose my ex meeting my sexual aspect first and not getting to know my everyday aspect is part of why I ended up giving up my friends for her. (She wasn't someone my everyday aspect could get along with, and likewise didn't get along with my friends.) (Oh well, stick with getting to know women in my everyday aspect and building friendships, and wait on sex until later, with women I enjoy being with out of bed. (That fits who I am now, and where I want to be going with my life. (Maybe that will change (e.g., overcome my guilt so I can cope with fucking around.), but I am not there yet. I have to accept who I am now and work from there.)))

(2pm) I hope that Carrie calms down and we are able to build a new relationship someday. (I sense that what she is mad about goes beyond what she is saying. (One problem with being too sensitive is that my friends tend to worry about saying anything negative to me. Instead of blowing off steam a little at a time, as in normal relationships, they hold it in; and then, when they do let it off, it's a major explosion. (I have to learn to accept negative comments and complaints about me, so that doesn't keep happening. (Tis helpful to get used to that part of life and dealing with it, and it would help me avoid the major blowouts that come with the other way.)))

(3pm) I suppose another aspect of me that I need to keep working on is my everyday self. (Become someone more women would want to be with, and introduce their sexual aspects to.) (I have gone through a lot of changes, but there are many more to come. (Who I have been and who I am now, isn't someone many can stand to be around for long.))

Part of the problem with my sexual aspect is that he seems to either be all the way out or locked up. (There has to be some compromise, where he comes as far out as is appropriate to the moment. (e.g., if what is appropriate is a gentle touch, I should be capable of giving it.)) (He could teach my everyday aspect something about being spontaneous and playful! (And, touching. (My everyday self is so uptight; he is really clumsy in that area.))) (I suppose that avoiding touching is one of the ways I repress my sexual aspect. (Or, is it just one of the many ways I punish him for all the trouble he has brought to our life?))

Maybe the goal isn't to shift from one aspect to another; but to be able to draw from each of many aspects what is required from each, to fit the ever changing experience of our lives?

Maybe my polarities are me getting locked into one aspect until it's developed to a high level and then moving on to develop a new aspect? (I have to find some way to change to fit the moment, instead of trying to be the same person all the time.)

(9pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.)

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