(7pm) Erica stopped by, got me hi, and kept me company for awhile. (Neat!)

(8pm) Ross and Carly stopped by and gave me a j. (Nice.)

(9pm) Well, I ate four x-tops and I am having a brew. (Nice.)

I don't mean for my comments about how to approach sexuality, or anything else, to be taken as universal. (I am just trying to find ways that fit who I am, and that I will be comfortable and happy with, and I am not meaning to be putting anyone else down for how they go about it.) (Who knows what is right? (My guess is there are lots of answers.))

(10pm) I ate another x-top and a few bites of shrooms. (I am getting f'ed up tonite.)

9-12-87

(2am) I went to the Down Under. (The music and girl watching were nice.) (Tis still a really young crowd there.)

I am still petrified of women, and couldn't talk to anyone let alone ask anyone to dance. (I know it's all irrational, but that doesn't seem to help any. (Oh well, stop feeling bad about not being a man, and be happy I was at least able to go out.))

I am still totally baffled about what I would say and do, if I weren't frozen by fear.

I did work on smiling and keeping my body language more open, so there were some positive things to come out of tonite's trip downtown, besides the music and girl watching. (I need to focus on what I do manage to do, rather than on what I have failed to do. (Tis doubtful that I will be able to make first moves in a bar setting for a long time to come; but I can at least learn to deal with the anxiety that going and sitting quietly alone causes inside of me, and work on improving my body language. (After I beat that anxiety, then I can worry about more complex things like asking for dances and starting conversations with strangers.)))

I still wasn't able to deal with the anxiety of going to a bar where it would be more likely to find some older women. (They seem to be more likely to start a conversation or ask me to dance. (Older women seem to be more aggressive, but maybe it's just that they are more likely to find me attractive? (I think it's more the former; since I have met older women who are aggressive and they have commented about feeling that time is running out, and that they have become more aggressive as a result.)))

Speaking of which, there were two women there tonite about my age. (After about half an hour, one of them asked me to dance, and so we did for about three songs. (That was fun!) (In between the songs we danced, she touched me a lot and insisted I hold her hand.) (Then she said she was tired, but to ask her to dance again in a few minutes. (Guess what? (I chickened out, and they eventually left.))) (From her actions and her eyes, my guess is she was interested in fucking me.))

Despite all the consumption tonite, I didn't start any new poems or do anything on the eleven I have got started. (That usually means I am doing something wrong. (But, what is wrong, and how to change it, is still a mystery.))

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