Whether or not I am capable of going along when people invite me places seems to tie back into a gut feeling. I keep trying to assign reasons to the feeling, but I am probably wrong all the time. (It boils down to being afraid of who knows what; and not being able to overcome the fear, for who knows what reasons.) (The only consistency in what I do do is that the fear isn't too much for me to face at that particular moment, for who knows what reasons.) (Erica has commented that it's annoying, and I have so many excuses that she has about had it with asking me to go along. (I can't blame her. (It would be annoying.))-(I appreciate that she asks now and then, and when I do overcome my fear and go, I invariably have fun; but my behavior has placed a major strain on my relationship with her, and I couldn't blame her if she never asks me along again!) (I keep trying to overcome, but it's a terribly slow and painful process.))

(7pm) A lot of time with others is going to be needed to learn how to be sexual and social, to overcome my fears, and to grow; but I am still not able to push myself out into the world to begin that process. (And, given my behavior, I still doubt that I am ready for that phase of my growth. (As long as I am still turning people off, depressing them, spoiling their fun, and all the other bad things; could I even justify putting myself in social situations and screwing it up for everyone else? (Other people deserve better than the me I am now!)))

When I am not with single women, I will try to experiment with not saying anything about my sexuality; and see what kind of reactions that brings.

Erica still says that telling people about my financial situation isn't necessary or even appropriate, but it's an excuse for my behavior that most people accept. (What would be a non-negative explanation for being a hermit?) (Maybe it's just vanity on my part? (Afraid to admit to others that I am scared to death of lots of life, and don't have the guts to overcome.)) (I will try experimenting with not talking about me at all and see if that works. (If I never talk about me, I won't have to explain my behavior with any of my excuses or the truth.))

She also says I should do that square dancing deal. (It fits my budget and would be a good vehicle for meeting lots of people; but the thought of it scares me. (I am a lot happier, for now, to get lost in the sea of men at the bars, where women won't even know I exist. (Listen to the music, girl watch, have a few drinks, bs with the bartenders, dance with my barstool, smile, and go home alone. (Tis what I can cope with.)-(Tis not much, but it's all that I can handle now.))))

Maybe, rather than to avoid touching, I don't learn to jitterbug in order to turn women off? (Being able to touch and play are things lots of women look for in a man.) (When it's done well, jitterbugging is very sensual and sexual.)-(When it's done poorly, it's awkward and a drag.)-(When one doesn't know how, women look for someone else.) (I think that, if I could relax with it, I would be good at it. (I have got fast feet, but I always seem to use them for running away and dodging, rather than for chasing.))

(10pm) Quiet nite. (Nice.) (This is what I am comfortable with for now.)

If I move to a big city, I don't want to continue living in the types of places I do here. (Here it doesn't mean living with rats, roaches, and high crime rates.) (I sent off 19 job applications for jobs in Seattle.)

I noticed that the bookstore that carries the Seattle Times also carries the LA paper. (I will have to start getting it too, when the money comes around.)

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