Erica commented again that I am not over my divorce. (Maybe I am deluding myself, or simply playing games with semantics; but I think I am over the divorce, and it's the marriage that I can't put in the past. (I am not up to risking that kind of nitemare. (Now is so much nicer than then!)) (A lot of divorced people seem to have had mostly good experiences in their marriages, and their problem is in coping with the fact that it ended. (I am glad mine ended, but I can't forget all the grief that was the marriage.)) (Who knows when or even if I will ever put it in the past and move on?))

I commented to Erica that Miranda and Gwynn made me a bit nervous, and she reassured me that neither of them has the slightest romantic interest in me. (Relief!) (Now maybe I will be able to relax around them. (I enjoy the company of both of them, but I always seem to react with anxiety to single women until I know they are not interested.)) (Tis reassuring that others are perceiving me as a non-sexual being. (I am incapable of dealing with that part of life now, and if I wasn't perceived that way it would be even more difficult to put myself in social settings now and then.)) (Tis nice to have Erica in my life, to provide me with input on things like that. (I fall in lust with about everyone, so I react in fear to about everyone. (Maybe someday I will become experienced enough, and in tune with my emotions and intuition enough, to figure things like that out for myself; but until then I am glad she is a part of my life.)) (I trust her intuition and advice, and I would be lost without her input.))

I seem to have all sorts of excuses for not doing things; but it boils down to seldom being able to cope with entering into social play situations. (Who knows why, but I can't cope with fun, except alone. (I seldom play with others, but at least I am still capable of playing with myself.))

I have been telling myself I am going to learn how to jitterbug, for seven years now. (I hope I can find the courage to do it someday. (It looks like lots of fun, if I can ever learn to cope with the touching it requires.))

Erica says I shouldn't be talking about the past and the various problems of my life now. (If I were looking for a girlfriend, I think she is right; but I am not, and it's a good way to turn women off to me sexually. (But, if it's also what depresses people and makes them not even want to spend time with me, maybe I should work on it now? (But how would I turn women off to me sexually? (If I keep giving up defense mechanisms, I will never be able to cope with being social.)))) (I suppose I make it sound like I do things like that consciously, but that isn’t the case. (I start talking, and it just happens. (I seem to have an innate ability for making bad first impressions. (There is so much fear that it happens automatically.)))) (Which brings me back to wondering if I shouldn't just stay alone until I stop saying negative things about me. (If I went out now I would probably end up turning every woman in town off to me, sexually. (Then if I did ever work it out, I would have to move somewhere else and start over again where the women weren't already turned off to me.))) (Such a confusing puzzle!)

She also commented that sexual dysfunction may also be the wrong term for describing my problem with sexuality. (Avoiding sex seems to be the common denominator in about everything I do socially, whatever the proper label is.)

She also commented that maybe I am not seeing or remembering something that is a part of my problem now, and maybe therapy would help me. (Since I can't remember much of anything prior to when I was about fourteen, there is obviously lots I don't remember, and I seem to be a master at self deception. (Maybe it will take therapy to untangle the puzzle?)-(That is probably what Dr. Ruth would tell me to do.)-(Maybe when the marriage is paid of and I can afford it, I will try that.))

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