(9am) One problem with changing the excuse for my celibacy to practicing "safe sex" is that it would create an illusion that I am a one woman man, and that illusion has caused me problems in the past. (I am not ready for only one lover now. (I have a lot of growing to do before I will be someone who can make a positive contribution to another's life; and I feel I need to collect a variety of experiences to accomplish that.))

(11am) I caught up with my pen pals. (Neat.)

Maybe it is hopeless to hope for time with women, until I come to terms with playing and sexuality? (I enjoy the company of women, but they often don't enjoy me. (I know the women I am attracted to and enjoy being with are playful and sexual beings; and I probably wouldn't want to spend much time with someone like me.)) (Keep on alone, and try to figure it all out.)

When I have taught others I have noticed that, when they are dense, it's usually not a reflection of their intelligence; but a sign that there is something going on inside of them that is blocking them from learning. (And, when I get them past that block, they learn quickly.) (So what is blocking me from learning how to be social and sexual? (I am not stupid, and lots of people learn how to deal with those parts of life even when they are; but I am totally dense when it comes to learning that.) (I have noticed that, for a lot of the people I have taught, the block is simply that they are not confident in their ability to learn; so I have been trying things (e.g., workouts) to build my confidence up. (It has helped in a number of areas, and a little in the social area; but it hasn't changed my behavior in bars, except in the form of a better attitude.)) (Oh well, keep puzzling on it, and coming up with new ideas to experiment with.) (Maybe the answer is to simply keep doing positive things, and let time heal the cuts to my psyche?))

I like the new John Mellencamp and Grateful Dead songs.

I wonder what it is about live music that soothes me so? (I will have to get back to at least going to the music bars again.)

Although talking about my sexual dysfunction turns off single women, maybe it's part of why I have gotten along so well with married one’s? (I think most women appreciate having men in their lives who aren't trying to get them into bed.) (I know I appreciate my platonic friends, and regardless of whether I ever come to terms with sex, I am a better man for their friendship!) (Single women are usually focusing their energy and time on finding a beau. (Someone who is poor, non-sexual, and neurotic, isn't someone they are likely to invest much time and energy with. (And, I would probably end up feeling guilty and nervous, if they did. (There are too many men who are sexual and fun, to waste time on such as I.)-(And, single women make me so nervous, I never let them see what is good about me.)))) (Until I work through all this and learn new ways, I think I will stick to married women, for companionship.)

(2pm) Nice walk.

(4pm) Erica stopped by for a visit. (Neat!)

I have started stretching before I do my Nautilus workouts, and that seems to have eliminated the soreness that was bothering me for awhile.

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