7-8-87

(7am) Joe said that it was sad that I had cut myself off from family, but I don't feel I have. (My pen pals are my family.) (When I think of family, I think in terms of common interests, love, trust, and acceptance. (All those things exist in my relationships with my pen pals, but none of them exist with my kids.)) (Maybe his concept of family is right and mine is wrong. (If so, why is it that he is mostly sad, and I am mostly happy?) (My concept doesn't fit tradition; but it does fit reality, and that is what is most relevant. (Trying to make life fit a model it can't fit, only leads to endless sadness and self-pity!))) (One amusing aspect is that my ex hated my family and pushed me to avoid them. (I think she is writing the letters and is simply pushing that idea in the hopes of making me guilty so I will pay her more money.))

Joe also mentions that I allowed my ex to be dependent upon me. (I wasn't strong enough to endure the fights required to get her to not be dependent; so I did make that choice.) (I think that was my biggest failing during the marriage. (I should have stood up to her and made her work, instead of letting her hide at home.) (We were never able to afford for her not to work, but I couldn't deal with any more fights, and let it slide.)) (I get the distinct impression that he feels that since I allowed her to be dependent then, that I have to continue allowing her to be dependent now. (No way!)) (I did push her to get her GED and drivers license. I got her to go to college and take a couple classes, but didn't say no when she wanted to quit.) (I had an extensive library back then, and I was successful at getting her to read. (I have wondered since whether that was a mistake. (One of the classes she took in college was a psychology class on behavior modification. There were also a lot of psychology books in my library. (A lot of my current fear of sex, viewed from the context of the behavior modification model, is a simple example of a conditioned response. (e.g., during the marriage there were over 6,000 couplings of pain and sex.) (She is an intelligent person and I have wondered if she did it on purpose. (Twas probably just how things worked out, but maybe she did study psychology and use it to enhance her attacks on me to increase the amount damage inflicted?))))))

(8am) He is also demanding that I play the old "prove it" game that my ex loved so well, in regards to a lot of my comments. (I wasted a lot of my life playing that game with her, and it never did any good!) (There is just no trust there and no amount of effort is going to change that. (I told him to believe whatever he wants to. (That is what he will do anyway, so why knock myself out?)))

He is also trying to tell me that the divorce decree didn't obligate me to an unusually high debt. (Bullshit.) (I have compared decrees with dozens of people, and, so far, I have the record. (Since I don't know any rich people I am comparing myself to other poor people, but then I am not even close to rich, so why would I compare myself with them?))

I am watching the "Dr. Ruth show" a few times a week now. (What a soap opera that is!)

I went to the university library yesterday and found the books Carrie suggested I read, and arranged for an inter-library loan. (Now I have to wait for the city library to go pick them up at the university and call me to say they are in.)

One of reason I have felt that my marriage wasn't all of my problem with sexuality now, is that my luck since the divorce at finding dates and lovers is pretty much the same as it was before the marriage. (But, before, I at least tried! (Since the divorce, I have been pushing women away and hiding!)) (And, before, I had a lot more friends and a fairly active social life.)

Previous Page             Next