5-20-87

(Midnite) There are drawbacks to being overly sensitive, but it also has its advantages. (e.g., poetry.) (I wonder if it's something that can or should be overcome? (One person in twenty is a poet of some sort, and maybe it's tied into having a more acute awareness of life?) (Tis a gift, and like all gifts, it's also a curse.) (There are moments of ecstasy, when I am so very much more aware than normal; but sometimes it's a greater awareness of the sadness and pain, both within myself and around me.) (There have been moments at the bars when I have felt some tremendously intense moments of sadness; but I think part of it is something I am picking up from the people around me. (Maybe so many artists kill themselves and do self-destructive things, to shut off the screams they hear from those around them?)) (For an artist to bring a piece of Art into the world, requires being overly sensitive and aware, but it isn’t selective. (One must come to terms with the sensations of pain to experience the sensations of ecstasy, for they walk hand in hand! (I am spending time now learning to cope with the pain and ecstasy of alone; but, in time, I will have to come to terms with the pain and ecstasy of being involved with others!))))

I don't think that loving the women I do is fantasy. (That love is very real and special.) (The fantasy has been that I could cope with a sexual relationship.) (I think the affair with Sharon is a positive sign, but it was safe because I didn't love her and it was just a f. (Tis a step in the right direction, but I have a long ways to go yet.))

Maybe I end up writing poems that don't fit me sometimes, in the bars, because I see suppressed aspects of myself in others and write about it; but I still feel it's some form of ESP. (Or, maybe, it's a blending of the two?) (Maybe I feel such a strong compulsion to write poems in bars sometimes and feel better when they are written, because on some level others are imploring me to write their stories?) (Maybe one in twenty is a poet and overly aware, so they can tell the stories of the twenty?) (Whatever, it's both a curse and a gift, and I don't think I should turn my back on it.)

I never consciously pushed my women friends away; but, looking back, that is what I was doing. (Maybe a part of why my attitude is better now is because there is no one to push away?) (It has been a fine line to walk though. (How to push women far enough away to keep the relationship platonic, but not far enough away to destroy the friendship. (The only one I have failed with seriously is Erica. (I have pushed her so far away, there isn’t any hope of our relationship being sexual, but she can barely stand to be around me.))))

(9am) I am very much aware (and always have been), that my women friends lead active sex lives; and I am happy for all of them! (Just because I can't deal with that part of life, doesn't mean I don't appreciate its importance! (They are all happier and healthier as a result, and I am happy for them!))

Looking back, I suppose I have spent the most time with women I loved least, and pushed away hardest the women I love most! (I can't deal with sexuality, and they are all so wonderful that they deserve better than me! (Until I can deal with sexuality and grow some more, it's best that I stay out of the way, and let everyone find lovers who are good for them.)) (In the mean time, my women friends give me people to care for, who care for me, provide me with companionship through writing, and take care of my most important needs! (I am a very lucky fellow!))

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