Maybe I think less now about lovers because I have accepted that I did it to myself? (I think all the talk about wanting to be sexual, was more to turn everyone off, than anything else. (Talking about being celibate for a long period of time is a really effective defense, and turns women off amazingly fast! (Who wants to play with someone who is always feeling sorry for themselves?))) (Oh well, I did do it to myself, and Rosie is the only lover I can deal with now; so stop bitching!) (Another reason I think less about lovers is probably that I am so seldom around women. (When I do spend time around women, it creates a conflict between my sexual aspect and the parts of me that can't deal with my own sexuality. (I am unable to resolve that conflict, and it's much easier to avoid women!))) (Being alone is less painful and frustrating, so I keep on keeping on.)
I suppose my inability to read any of my poetry, after they are typed up, is another sign of my problem with facing up to my own emotions. (And, a lot of times, they are about changes I am still incapable of making, which makes me feel bad. (Another of my bad habits is telling people to do as I say rather than as I do.))
I seem to let my Child aspect out less each year.
Celibacy and platonic relationships are ways of avoiding some of the realities of sexual relationships. (As I have said, it chops off the peaks and valleys of experience that are to be found in sexual relationships. (e.g., my women friends never get as mad at me as they sometimes get at their lovers.)) (Until I become less sensitive, more self-confident, , so I can deal with those moments; I don't think I have any business looking for sexual encounters! (I am not sufficiently mature to deal with anything more than platonic relationships!)) (Maybe it's weak of me; but I had eight and a half years of daily whippings, and I just don't need anymore.) (As Erica has said, it would take someone with a lot of patience to be involved with me; and that isnt fair! (I have to work it through alone, before I can consider sexual relationships.)) (Maybe it will take eight and a half years of nice times with women, before I can deal with the bad moments again? (Maybe I will never get there?)) (Oh well, for now, it's worth it to me to give up the joys of sex, to escape the grief of it!) (I even know that the bad moments can be positive and a way to grow; but I am unable to take the risk of getting involved with someone like my ex again! (I know most women aren't like that, but I am still not ready for that much risk taking! (I think I like myself enough now to chose women who wouldn't whip me more, but maybe I am deceiving myself again?)))
(11pm) The more I think about sexuality and me, the more confused I become. (I still have so much growing left to do!)
I suppose another reason I don't go out much anymore is simply to avoid sexuality and the conflicts. (I am in a transition period now. (My attitude is better, I look better, I am more at ease (it seems), and someone might actually be interested; but I am not ready yet to let it happen.) (Or, am I ready to begin interacting again with others and simply hiding away again? (I still don't crave going out, and I feel alone is right for now; but maybe I am just avoiding the next phase of my growth?)))
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