I suppose I set myself up for failure, by falling for women who don't want anything but friendship. (That way I avoid having to deal with building a real relationship with a woman.) (But, until I am capable of dealing with reality and as long as I am aware that my dreams are fantasy, I don't see any point of moving on from loving Erica. (Tis as close to reality as I can deal with now, and takes care of my needs.)) (I am pretty picky about the women I fall for; but as long as I am only capable of fantasy, what difference does it make?) (I still feel everyone is better off with someone else, which just reinforces the fantasy aspect of all my relationships.) (I don't girl watch much anymore, and I don't often talk to anyone; so I am not even doing much fantasizing anymore.)

Erica commented that she didn't think I could accept the humanness of women. (I don't think that is it. (I have accepted the humanness of all my women friends, I feel. (The problem, I think, is that I can't accept and deal with my own humanness!)))

I think that I take sex too seriously (among other things), but I am really slow at changing. (How does one let go?)

I think, to some extent, that my women friends have all been attracted to me sexually; and, if I had acted differently, some would have been lovers. (But, I have somehow managed to figure out how to turn each of them off, and then I behaved in that way. (e.g., I have known for years that the fastest way to turn Erica off was for me to chase her, yet I have done it each time she seemed to be getting a little comfortable around me.)) (I have obviously not wanted lovers. (And, it all seems to keep tying back to self hate.)) (Maybe part of why I am so picky is that I am finding something wrong with everyone who might be interested, and only letting the women close who won't be interested?)

(10pm) The desire for lovers and girlfriends seems to diminish a little more each day. (Maybe here soon, I will get to where I never complain about the lack? (I wish!))

Since my relationship with Erica is as close as I can deal with, I am not going to worry about moving on. (I know it won't be more, but it's all I can deal with! (It takes care of my most important needs, and that is all that matters. (If it ended, I would just have to build a similar relationship with someone else; and that is a lot of work. (I have been a hermit for so long now, I might not even bother to go through the process of building another similar relationship.)))) (Maybe someday I will become someone who is capable of more in a relationship, but I am not holding my breath.)

Although I am incapable of expressing my emotions verbally, at least I am able to do it in my writing. (Maybe someday it will carry over into the rest of my life?)

I wonder sometimes if my poverty isn't just another by product of my self-hate. (I have got the skills and knowledge that it would take to become well off, but I keep setting myself up to lose.)

Actually, all my problems seem to keep coming back to self-hate. (Continue on alone and try to learn to like myself more, and maybe someday I will be a better me.)

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