Note from the ozone: Doesn't alienation among people benefit organizations in many ways? (e.g., if people are no longer capable of fulfilling their needs for intimacy and commitment with other people, don't they tend to form those kinds of bonds with their work? (e.g., tv portrays many cops as people whose intimate commitment is to law enforcement rather than to the family.)) (e.g., the more people there are who live alone, the more products that are needed. (e.g., when I was married, one tv set served four people, but now it serves only one person.)) (e.g., when it leads to less sex and time with others, there is more energy and time to be devoted to work. (e.g., when no one is around to remind me to play, and to twist my arm a bit; I tend to end up working most of the time.))

(7pm) Nice walk. (I ran into Charlotte and Jim in Greenough Park, and I had a nice visit with Jim.)

(8pm) Erica popped in for a minute and visited. (Nice.)

I used to be extremely romantic and believed in sexual monogamy, but my experiences of the past five years have made me less so. (It still hangs around a little though. (e.g., my quilt over being "in love" with someone else's girlfriend.)) (What makes sense to me now is that the intimacy, sexuality, and commitment of sexual monogamy hold a lot of potential benefits to our health and well being; but that it's an unrealistic expectation for human beings to commit themselves to sexual monogamy, as a part of their interpersonal contracts. (Although I can see, on an intellectual level, that ending a relationship over infidelity is silly; I wouldn't want to know about it, because on the gut level I am not totally past experiencing pangs of jealousy.))

Erica is making progress on her goal to switch from working in bars to working in offices. (Good for her!)

It sounds like she is having mega-fun. (Also good for her!)

I have sure gotten out of sync with the moon lately. (I almost never let go anymore and howl at the moon! (I suppose that is another of my masochistic tendencies coming through.))

Not having a girlfriend and being a recluse tie back to the same sources, I think. (Self hate, inability to deal with sexuality and commitment, inability to express or deal with emotions, …. (They are all tied together.)) (And, it's all neurotic, eccentric, self destructive, masochistic, ….) (Erica commented that being neurotic and eccentric are ways that I am similar to most of the artists she knows. (It does seem to go with the territory.) (One of Carrie's books that I read was by a guy named Heidegger. (He said that art, not the artist, is important; and that, in acting as a channel to bring art into the world, artists often destroy themselves. (Art does seem to rip an artist apart, in the process of its emergence.)))) (I don't think I will ever get past spending time alone; but I do eventually need to start spending less time alone than now.)

Sexuality wasn't the only reason for deciding to drift away from Sharon. (I couldn't deal with the jealousy and quilt trips she laid on me.) (I was trying, in my relationship with her, to get used to a sexual relationship and using a woman (Trying to become someone who fits into the real world better.); but I just ended up with a lot more quilt. (I was honest with her about only being interested in a f, that I didn't love her, and that it was short term; but I still ended up feeling guilty.))

Previous Page             Next