11-30-86
(Midnite) Quiet nite of tv and solitaire.
(3pm) Erica stopped in and said howdy. (Nice.)
It kind of cracks me up when people say they live together and don't get married so they won't have to go through the pain of divorce if it doesn't work out. (From the people I have known it's obvious that people go through the same emotional shit at the ending of a long-term relationship, regardless. (The legal aspects of divorce are annoying, but the real hell is all the emotional shit that it stirs up.))
I still question whether anyone should feel quilt about failing at sexual monogamy. (All that seems to do is guaranty that people are going to feel guilty a lot.)
I worry sometimes about my drug consumption, but each year it seems to get less. (And I am not seeking the edge quite so often when I do. (I say I get drunk, but it's a different definition of the word than I once had. It used to mean falling down slobbering drunk, and now when I say it I am usually not drunk enough to fail a dui test.)) (I talk about wanting to do all nite parties, but that is mainly because those are better places to meet people than bars. (Tis just a vehicle that seems be a part of building friendships.))
(5pm) I can't get psyched up for walking today. (Laziness.)
I am still having an internal debate about whether to get into cocaine:
1. I am pretty content with beer, pot and shrooms.
2. The addictive nature of it concerns me. (I seem to be prone to overdoing things. (e.g., cigs))
3. I may be a bit too old and worn, and be risking a heart attack, to be getting into that game. (I have inflicted a lot of damage on this old bod over the years and, if I am to live much longer, I think it's time to moderate.)
4. The problem is women. (The women I have enjoyed being with these past few years enjoy it, their lovers usually have it around at least some of the time, and they seem to spend more time with men who do it, than they did with me. (It seems to be a necessary ingredient to find lovers.))
5. The antithesis to the health argument is, is it better to live a few years intensely, or a lot of years in mediocrity. (The only problem with that is what if you fry your mind and keep on living. (I would rather just die of a heart attack.))
6. Then there is the question of where I would get the money to play that game.
7. And it always brings the potential of prison, which doesn't sound much fun.
8. In order to pursue accounting seriously my mind has to be clear and sharp in the morning, and that doesn't fit in to a life of getting f'ed up a lot.
(7pm) Well, I have all my Xmas chores done for this year.
There is a job opening at the university that I am applying for. (I could get into a job there.)
12-1-86
(Midnite) Quiet nite.