I strained that relationship recently by asking her to cure my celibacy. (We had been drinking down at the Rocker with Carrie and Dante. (He is an artist friend of Carrie's.) Carrie has been putting some effort into finding someone to do me, so she got Samantha off to the side for a bit and suggested the idea to her. Shortly after that, Samantha decided she wanted to go dancing; so we walked down to the Paw, drank some more and danced a bunch. (I love to dance, and the dance floor is about the only place and time where I really let go.) Then, since Carrie had pushed me to, I asked Samantha to do me; but neither of us could get comfortable with the idea, and nothing happened in the end. (Oh well, I can live without lovers, but not without friends.)) (She hasn't stopped by for awhile, so I am fretting about hurting her and screwing up that friendship.)-(Twas a nice arrangement. (Samantha's beau is a musician, so she had a lot of time to kill while he is off practicing and playing; and I don't have anyone else to party with.))
Is it unnatural to live without sex for so long? (Maybe I should save up my nickels and dimes, so that I can afford to go searching for a lady of the nite?)
I suppose I could look for women in places besides the bars. (Church and work have been suggested a lot; but I don't fit in at church and my one experience with chasing someone at work turned into a nitemare.) (Given my shyness, fear, poverty and self doubts; it isnt likely I will meet anyone anywhere.)
Another aspect of my celibacy is that I don't trust my own judgement when it comes to women. (I made the mistake last time of thinking with my dick, and that got me into all sorts of problems.)
Why did Erica have to say so many right things?
Why are questions so easy to come by, when answers are so few and far between?
I wonder how much of my unhappiness comes from letting my Dad choose my career? (Maybe I would be happier if I had chosen?) (Oh well, I enjoy writing, so I have some pleasure.)
Billie once said that I was a winner who wants to fail. (Do I?) (Is all my bad luck of my own doing?) (Once she asked when I am going to have my wild time. (A lot of people, following a divorce, have a wild time and f around a lot; but I haven't done that trip yet.)-(I wonder if I will end up going through that phase, before I am through?))
Maybe the answer to meeting women is simply patience? (Just go on about my life and hope someone as dear as Erica comes into my life and decides to stay.)-(The problem is that my dick keeps telling me to do something about it today.)
Tis hard to build confidence in myself as a man, when no woman wants me in her bedroom. (Maybe I place too much value on sex, but it has done wonders for my ego when it has been in my life.) (Oh well, first I will need to grow and become someone who women find desirable.)-(And, I think the first step toward that goal is to learn to like myself.)
I suppose a lot of why I stayed married for so long, when I wasn't happy, was the sex. (She was a wonderful lover and loved lots of sex.)-(But, as I learned, you can't stay in bed forever.)