When I did finally manage to lose my virginity, it was because the woman thought it was funny that a man my age still hadn't done it. (As with all of my lovers since, she made the first move. (I just can't imagine anyone being interested, so I don't try.))

After my mother's death I met and started dating my first real girlfriend. We ended up living together off and on for about a year, but were only lovers for about half that time. (She was a virgin, and I almost one; and we were both afraid of our sexuality.)

After college she moved on to LA for grad school. I followed and tried LA, but she wasn’t interested in marriage. After three months in LA I wandered off to Denver to check out life in the fast lane. (Actually, it wasn't all that fast.)-(I returned to not being able to find dates, and was poor and drunk most of the time. (I went on about a two-year binge after my mother died.))

Then in August of 1973 I stumbled into a strip joint where I was picked up by one of the dancers. (She eventually became my wife.) (That began a very hot and heavy romance, and unfortunately I never stopped thinking with my dick long enough to get to know who she was. (In bed everything was really outstanding, but ....))

I spent the next nine years trying to make her happy, but that turned out to be a hopeless cause.

Due to poverty and an inability to cope with her, I haven't seen my children for a couple of years now. (I have two sons, ages 14 and 9.) (Actually Joe is from her first marriage, but I adopted him.) (I suppose my self-doubts are another aspect of that.)

I had tried leaving her twice before, but didn't make it out the door finally until April 1982.

Off and on during the last years of the marriage, I paid a few visits to massage parlors and prostitutes. (To punish myself for that my quilt drove me to gain mega-weight. (I topped out at 315 pounds back in 1980)) (My only defense, for those who are offended by a married man whom screws around, is that being told daily for years that that is what I wanted, I finally wanted it.) (It definitely didn't have anything to do with how things went in the bedroom at home.) (Maybe another aspect of being celibate now has to do with proving to myself that I can keep my pants on, despite everything she said to the contrary.) (Finding out that she had screwed around on me probably was another aspect.)

When I did finally find the courage to leave and stay gone, it was with a little push from another woman. (A woman friend at work had been asking me to stop by after work for a brew for some time. Finally one day after a particularly nasty bout with my wife's jealousy, I decided to take her up on her offer. (And didn't bother to go home afterwards.))

That began the worst six months of my life. (And, let’s hope it remains the worst.) (I started off by deciding I was in love with the woman from work, but that just turned into a nitemare.) (I spent a couple months of that time living in my car, and a lot of that time I was pretty wasted.) (I quit one job and got fired from another.) (The bank repossessed my car and I ended up on foot patrol for a few months before I could get another.) (I was broke and, in my rush to get out of the marriage, I agreed to pay a grand a month for child support and alimony. (That was pretty absurd since I was only taking home around $1,500, when I was working.)) (I could go on, but that must give you all a general idea of that time; and any of you who have passed along that road can fill in the blanks, and probably add a few stories of your own.)

Well, I have rattled on long enough for one nite, so I will retire and give myself some rest.

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