11-26-84

(6pm) The purpose of this journal is to provide a place where I can structure my thoughts and feelings into the written word, in the hope that the therapeutic process of self analysis may someday lead to a better me. The central issues are a complete lack of self-confidence and a tendency to isolate myself. I am tired of spending so much of my time alone, but my self-doubts and fear of rejection keeps me from doing anything to rectify the problem.

In particular I have a problem in the area of sexuality. I have been celibate, with the exception of four occasions since my divorce some thirty-one months ago. I have many women friends, but have been unable to move any of those relationships beyond friendship. (Friendship is neat, but loving is pretty nifty too.)

On the one hand I feel that I am totally undesirable. (How can any man who has spent a couple thousand nites in singles bars, who knows lots of women, and doesn’t get laid now and then, be considered desirable?) (Why am I so undesirable, and how do I become someone women find desirable?)

On the other hand, one can argue that my fear of intimacy is so intense and I have so many defenses, that no one can get close to me. (One could argue that that thought is merely a reaction of my ego, trying to deny my undesirability.) (The aspects of my behavior that make me consider the defense option are:

1. I seldom pay attention to one woman. (My eyes constantly wander and I flirt with everyone.)

2. I am what some would label as rude, on occasion. (e.g., not talking to friends, spacing off commitments, getting up and leaving without saying goodbye, sarcasm, etc.)

3. I don't even bother to ask anyone out anymore. (I have been told no or been stood up by everyone I have asked out, and it has taken a toll on my ego.)

4. I don't often open up with others. (I have been told several times that I am an extremely hard person to get to know.)

5. I am subject to depressions and tend to be on the gloomy side.

6. Cynicism.

7. I don't make much of an effort to improve my appearance.

8. Cigarettes. (Three packs a day.)

9. I am pretty damn shy. (I have been told I act uppity, but tis just the opposite. (I figure everyone can do better than me.)))

This journal, in many ways, is a continuation of letters I have written to my friend Erica. (I have written a dozen pages or so a week to her for the past couple years.) (She is a dear and wonderful friend, with whom I am very much in love. (That is probably another aspect of my celibacy. (I am a very monogamous soul at heart, and I just am not really interested in being with anyone else.))) (She doesn't feel the same way about me though.)-(She is my best friend, but I have to find some way to move onwards.)-(As such, I decided to stop writing to her and begin this journal. (Or is that just another example of pushing people out of my life?)-(If there is no one in my life, I need never fear rejection; and my self doubt tells me I am a lousy friend who everyone can do without.) (Another thought that has crossed my mind is that being in love with Erica is just another defense mechanism.)-(Telling women I am in love with someone else, sure seems to turn them off. (Since Erica isn’t interested, it helps to insure that intimacy isn't going to return to my life any time soon!)) (If I wasn't so confused, I could be out having fun instead of sitting alone writing.)

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